Mojito Mail...............If It Doesn't Fit?

Dear Mojito,

I don’t know how to ask this so I’m going to just get straight to it. How do I tell a man he doesn’t need to wear Magnum’s?

Signed,

If It Doesn’t Fit

Dear IIDF,

This is a tricky one. Cause you’re pretending to ask me one thing, but you’re really asking me something else. See – what you’re really asking me is how to tell a man his sausage is less polska kielbasa and more Vienna. But okay – I’ma’ just stick to the question as it was asked. I’ve come up with three scenarios to help with your problem:

Solution A
Don’t tell him nothing. Just have a little packet of minis next to the bad. If he says something, just say you wanted to get him something “in his size”. But you gotta say that last part with a whisper, like it’s a secret. A little secret.

Solution B
Tell him you want him to wear 2 “for extra protection”, maybe the extra condom will fill the space. Or maybe he wont go for it and he’ll just put on e normal size condom. I mean, how comfy can a baggy a** condom really be? I’m just asking!

Solution C – and this is my personal favorite!!
Start wearing really big drawers. And not big like granny panties, which are big by design. I’m talking if you’re a size 6 like Mojito (cough cough) then start wearing drawers that are no smaller than a size 24. he will definitely ask you why yo’ drawers is so dayum big, and that’s when you tell him that since he’s wearing them too big ass condoms, you thought you’d keep up the theme and start wearing big drawers. Just for consistency’s sake. Then – for extra oomph – pull out the sexxxiest pair of panties in your real size along with a box of condoms in his real size and offer to switch it up if he will. I guarantee it’ll work!!!

So, my final word is this. If it doesn’t fit…………………..this is bull**it!! And on top of that – yo ass is gonna catch something, the least of which is a baby!!! Wrap it up people!! And in the right size!! Sheesh!!!

If you guys have other advice or solutions or want to share your own stories of BBA (bizarre bedroom antics) please feel free to chime in in the comments section! And as always – please send all questions to dearmojito@gmail.com!!

XOXO

Mojito

Oh yeah - you can now post anonymously!! Just go to "anonymous" and comment away!!!

Mojito Mail...................Playing the Field?

Dear Mojito,

I have been on a man hunt for the past few months. That said, I have rounded up a few prospects. However, there's a catch--they all know each other in some capacity. Out of the three, two of them work together and two are friends but they all know each other all though none of them are bff's. Is that tacky? Should I leave all three of them alone? Should I pick just one, whoever was first in line? Or should I keep on keeping on? Your help would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Don't hate the player hate the game


Dear DHTPHTG,

This is a toughie. If you were a man I would say f it – go out with all three. But the rules are different for girls. Actually – the rules are different for ladies. If you’re not concerned with being thought of as a lady then you can follow the same rules as the boys. I’m not co-signing this double standard, just stating that it does exist. Since we’re going with the game lingo, let’s think of this as Lakers circa I dunno when (whenever the Kobe/Shaq beef was thick!! I’m a girl dammit – I can’t be expected to know the exact dates).

You could pick one. Not the one who was first in line, but the one who you think you have more of a connection with. The one who’s offering more of what you want. If strength & loyalty and character are important to you – keep Shaq. If speed and career longevity (and a penchant for tacky crazy wives) are important to you – go with Kobe.

But there’s a third option. You could pick neither/none/all of them at the same time.

What’s that you say Mojito? How? That’s crazy? Estas loco!! I know that’s what you’re thinking. But here’s how. Keep things extra cool with all of them. No single dates with any of them. Group dates and outings all the time. Not necessarily with the three of them but with other people from your job or whichever circle you know them from. Bottom line – don’t ever be alone with any of these guys. That way you get to know them while keeping your options open and not being bound to any of them. Trust me – ain’t nothing worse than realizing you got saddled with the wrong mufu**a in the click. You will spend the rest of your relationship looking at the other dude like “damm!!” because he WILL be around – especially if he’s friends with the dude you end up with. And you will be pissed. Especially if you pick the wrong one. You done kept Kobe’s ass and let Shaq go and then you gotta watch Shaq go all the way and take that championships ring.

So there you go.

Choose wise, my friend.

XOXO

Mojito

Mojito Mail.........Is My Man A Freak?

Okay - so I got a question. Here goes.

Dear Mojito,

My boyfriend has a lot to offer on paper and my biological clock is ticking louder than the Times Square Ball Drop clock. However, I've seen a few flags that I'm not certain if they qualify as red or merely yellow/annoying. Recently, we planned for me to stop by his house on my way home from work for dinner. I got there, he seemed surprised that I was a little early. As we walked into the living room he quickly went over to his laptop that was sitting on the table and shut whatever he was working on and unplugged it, then excused himself to take a quick shower. Being the nosy girl that I am, I could see that closing the cover on the computer hadn't turned it off, so I waited a bit and then snuck a peek at what he had been working on....porn. Apparently that was what he was doing in the 20 minutes between him getting home from work and me arriving. What do you think Mojito? Is he a freak or just a guy who needed a little relaxation after work?

Signed,

Am I Dating Eric Benet


Mojito says.........

Well damn! He couldn't wait till you got there or till you left? I mean, really. I wouldn't say he's a freak - well not the creepy kind of freak - but I will say that maybe he has a high sex drive. And that's actually good to know early on in the relationship so you're aware of what you're dealing with and able to decide if you're up for it or not. And just think about this - at least it was just regular porn and not anything involving goats or horses or even worse - little boys and/or girls. Lucky for you - you just have a regular horny man and not a masked bandit aka Kels the pied piper of underaged poon. If this is the only issue and if your biological clock is ticking like a time bomb - I say go on and let super freak have a chance. But if there are other concerns I would leave him to his Mac and keep on looking for that right man without a sticky keyboard.

XOXO

Mojito

Remember - if you have questions or need advice, email me at dearmojito@gmail.com