WTF Wednesday - early edition

Hola!!! Mojito has been away doing...................uh, wait I don't have to explain myself to you people!!! ;) I keed I keed!!! I'm here today and that's all that matters, no? And what a perfect day to come back - WTF Wednesday!!! I'm going to start it off and please add you own to the comments section!!



Mojito's WTFs:

- so you don't have a trash can in your office cause you don't like trash around you, so you instead opt to put YOUR stinky ass trash in MY trash can? WTF?



- so I'm defensive because I corrected you when you called 5 grown ass women "kids" repeatedly in a meeting? WTF?



- so I told you twice last week what my new situation was and you turn around and ask my coworker the same dayum question I already answered twice? (Do you think I'm lying?) WTF?



- is this girl really visibly pregnant in her cheerleading uniform, cheering at the dayum game? (courtesy of MTV, 16 & Pregnant) Girl sit yo pregnant ass down somewhere!! WTF?



- are you really talking about your sexcapades in detail on twitter? I object!! WTF?



- is this dayum sewing machine tripping on me again!!! WTF?



- Mojitito is getting so big and so pretty. Ugh. Boys have to be next on the agenda. That is the biggest WTF ever!!! Noooooooooo!!!



That's it for Mojito. So far.



Please add your WTFs in the comments section.



XOXO

Mojito

I'm Baaaaaccckkkkkk!!!

Buenos Dias Mojititas y Mojititos!!

I'm back from holiday (I love saying that) and have stuff to day!!

Gotta get to work but a new post is coming before the end of the day!!

Adios!!!

XOXO
Mojito

WTF Wednesday!!!!!!

Okay y'all - it's WTF Wednesday!!!!! You know the drill!!!

Here are this week's WTFs:

- did Ellen really just try to ambush Diddy about why he let CB & Rihanna in his house?
- and did this mofo really just tell her "well - it's my house and I'll let whoever I want in it." Hahaha!!!
- did we have a real life Craig from Friday situation up here at the plantation? Mofos getting fired on they day off? Why yes - yes, I think we did!
- how can I possibly be coming down with another cold?
- and why are these new meds giving me coke rage?

That's it for me!! Nothing too bad, I must say!! Okay - hit the comments with your own WTFs. Oh yea - that's my last and biggest WTF - I almost forgot!!

- are there really ZERO comments in my comments section, even though I've threatened the usual suspects? WTF!!!

XOXO

Mojito

You're Invited...............

So....................first things first, I know I've been away for a minute. Okay - an hour. Okay - like a month!! But I had to take a break!! The whole Chris brown/Rihanna thing was making my head hurt and I didn't feel like posting. what? Mojito keeps it real.



But I'm back!! And today's post will be dedicated to those who Mojito would like to give a very special invitation to. If you're on this exclusive list, you're invited to SHUT THE F*** UP:



VIP Room: (to shut the f** up immediately if not sooner. Like yesterday!! Reserved for the famous)

-- Usher - you got your nerve talking about CB. "show some remorse", huh? Have you shown any remosre for marrying that (wo)man and then sneaking "her" off to Brazil to get the remainder of her penis removed? I mean, really? Mind yo bidness. Methinks you have other things to worry about. What, you ask? Um............album sales, your "wife's" near fatal "procedure", etc............



-- Gloria Allred - man I really hate this lady. The great wise M-Dub told me that Ms. Allred is "like the Al Sharpton" of women's issues. And I agree. She is totally the person who has absolutely no interest in the situation or making it better - only in attaching her name & face to a famous/infamous situation and getting on my TV/radio irritating me.



-- Octomom & anyone related to/involved with Octomom. The main reason I need her to shut up is that she should be too busy raising them babies to talk to dayum much!! Mojito only has one little mojitito and I barely have time to think - how in the hell does this broad have time for all these interviews & videoblogs?



Main Room: ( for the regular folks who need to shut up)

-- the gardeners who are back to lurking outside my window in the morning "blowing" around nothing, with their stupid leaf blowers that sound like a chainsaw!!! Boooo!!!



-- the neighbor who called my house to tell me that my laundry was done drying in the laundry room. (It had only been in there for like 30 minutes). Shut up you laundry nazi!!!



That's all I have right now!! BUT - there is soooooo much room at this party, please let me know who you'd like to invite to shut the f*** up!! (Comments section is waiting!!!)



XOXO



Mojito



(As always - if you need advice - work, love, legal (kidding), family - please write Mojito at dearmojito@gmail.com!!)

WTF Wednesday!!!

Hey Y'all!!! It's that time again!! WTF Wednesday!!!



Now - I don't know about y'all and y'all's week- but I was ready to do WTF Wednesday like Monday!! No BS!!



So here are this week's WTFs:

- wait, if I flew out of state to visit you. uh............why you tryna holla at my girl?

- and why you tryna hook me up with your brother?

- how in the f*** is it 25 degrees here? Ain't this supposed to be the desert?

- wait, how am I the a**hole in this situation? I'm confused.

- are you seriously telling me it'll cost me $12 to withdraw cash outta this ATM machine? $12? Twelve? Dollars? Really?

- how the hell did I go to a city known for sin and didnt even get close to thinking about sinning? WTF?

- I'm sorry, I think I misheard you. In fact, I'm certain I misheard you. Did you really just ask me what my pu**y tastes like?

- do you really think that's an appropriate questions?

- um........why do you think I would know? Or did you want me to guess. I'm confused.

- what do you mean the plane already left? The flight is at 7:25. It's 7:18. And if it left - why am I looking at it out the window? Really?

Okay - those are my WTFs for the week!!

Please hit up the comments section with yours!! Remember - you can now post anonymously - so feel free to really put it out there!!

XOXO

Mojito

Mojito Mail...............If It Doesn't Fit?

Dear Mojito,

I don’t know how to ask this so I’m going to just get straight to it. How do I tell a man he doesn’t need to wear Magnum’s?

Signed,

If It Doesn’t Fit

Dear IIDF,

This is a tricky one. Cause you’re pretending to ask me one thing, but you’re really asking me something else. See – what you’re really asking me is how to tell a man his sausage is less polska kielbasa and more Vienna. But okay – I’ma’ just stick to the question as it was asked. I’ve come up with three scenarios to help with your problem:

Solution A
Don’t tell him nothing. Just have a little packet of minis next to the bad. If he says something, just say you wanted to get him something “in his size”. But you gotta say that last part with a whisper, like it’s a secret. A little secret.

Solution B
Tell him you want him to wear 2 “for extra protection”, maybe the extra condom will fill the space. Or maybe he wont go for it and he’ll just put on e normal size condom. I mean, how comfy can a baggy a** condom really be? I’m just asking!

Solution C – and this is my personal favorite!!
Start wearing really big drawers. And not big like granny panties, which are big by design. I’m talking if you’re a size 6 like Mojito (cough cough) then start wearing drawers that are no smaller than a size 24. he will definitely ask you why yo’ drawers is so dayum big, and that’s when you tell him that since he’s wearing them too big ass condoms, you thought you’d keep up the theme and start wearing big drawers. Just for consistency’s sake. Then – for extra oomph – pull out the sexxxiest pair of panties in your real size along with a box of condoms in his real size and offer to switch it up if he will. I guarantee it’ll work!!!

So, my final word is this. If it doesn’t fit…………………..this is bull**it!! And on top of that – yo ass is gonna catch something, the least of which is a baby!!! Wrap it up people!! And in the right size!! Sheesh!!!

If you guys have other advice or solutions or want to share your own stories of BBA (bizarre bedroom antics) please feel free to chime in in the comments section! And as always – please send all questions to dearmojito@gmail.com!!

XOXO

Mojito

Oh yeah - you can now post anonymously!! Just go to "anonymous" and comment away!!!

Stop Frontin'

So, I have this acquantance. For the purposes of this blog let's call her Michelle. SO Michelle is one of those chicks that wants to appear to be a "good girl" but still act like a...............I started to say bad girl, but that's the thing. It's not even like she's acting all that bad. Her actions are not inherently hoe-ish. I mean, we're grown. So it's perfectly normal and acceptable for a woman to have a healthy sexual appetite and sex life. So why does this chick feel the need to lie about her actions just to keep up some sort of image. And truth be told, nobody is even buying that innocent act in the first damn place so she might as well keep it all the way real.

And on that topic – am I the only one who doesn’t buy or care that Mariah Carey is always claiming to be able to count the number of men she’s been with on one hand? I think the entire topic is tacky to being with. BUT – if you’re gonna talk about your sex life – keep it all the way real, please! If not, then just shut the hell up!! Mojito ain’t saying shi* about my sex life cause it falls under the category of NYDB - nunna’ yo’ damn bidness. But what you will NOT catch Mojito doing is talking at length about the great miraculous conception that resulted in the birth of Mojitito (my little one). I mean, really!!

For real, for real – I find make believe conversations to be a waste of my precious life minutes. I can’t NEVER get them minutes back – they don’t roll over, they can’t be put on layaway, nothing!! Just gone!! And she done wasted a shi*load of my life minutes telling me fairytales about dude A “just kissed me out of nowhere” or how all she remembers is waking up naked or that when she finally “came to” she was “on top of him” but didn’t know how she got there and she “doesn’t know how” they ended up giving sex, etc……..

In my experience – and I could be mistaken – kissing is a two person activity. Particularly the French variety. Therefore, no one “just kissed” you without you kissing them back. And any time you wake up in a strange place, nekkid, “diddled” and all without your consent – you need to call the authorities. And by authorities I mean the po-po, your local sexual assault hotline or at the very least cousin Ray Ray and ‘nem. And I don’t think I need to tell y’all she ain’t called nary one of the above referenced. In fact, she’s gone on 2nd & 3rd dates with these perps. (yeah, that’s right – perps!! That’s what they call them on Law & Order, right?)

And see – that’s that bull**it! So ladies, please, please, please!! I beseech thee. I implore thee – STOP THE BULLSHI*!!!!!

It’s okay. Really. It is 2009. it’s okay that you went out with a guy, had a good time and decided to let him get to 1st, 2nd, 3rd base. Hell – it’s okay if you decided to let him hit a home run – it’s your own dayum bidness and it is not a crime! Matter of fact – you taking alllll the fun out of the story with yo’ dayum lies!! Cause I’d much rather hear the story of how he came through and knocked it out the park or even if he came through and provided you with a sweaty, awkward and not-so-fulfilling 3 1/2 minutes – cause that could be amusing as well!! But gotdayummit ladies, for corn’s sake, for the love of pete……………………………stop frontin’!!!! Immediately!!

Now then – your turn:
- Ladies – have you ever lied about your “dealings” with a dude? I’m not talking about covering yo a** during an interrogation. I’m talking about an unsolicited lie! If so – why? (I really am curious). If not, do you know one of these frontin’/lyin’ chicks?

- Gentleman – do you know any chicks that do this? Or wait – do guys get involved with this foolishness? Why?

Hit up the comments section with your replies!!

XOXO

Mojito