LAHH Reunion Pt 1 - LTFTV ("Live" Tweeting Foolishness on TV)

Hello All!! Here are my notes on this week’s LAHH Reunion!

So many notes. This Reunion was crazy!!!!!!!!!!

• Monique – ugh, I already hate her. this stupid a** monologue is why. She bet not mess up this reunion.
• Looks:
o Cinnamon is gorgeous.(Cinnamon is what I call Cyn. I don't know why. Just go with it) Erica too. Also – I like Cinnamon’s dress. Somebody find that for me.
o Tahiry’s hair is cute!!
o Rashida’s hair is still a no.
o Peter’s broads are both blah. But still too cute for him, so there’s that. Tara’s hair is stupid.
o Joe Budden – yum.
o Rich & Saigon – yuck.
o Peter Gunz continues to be my biggest disappointment.

• Erica/Cinnamon/Rich Pesos
o Rich said “unbenounced”. Sir. that is not a word. It's not. no.....
o (side note – nobody ever wants to be over at my desk having business convos until LAHH is on & Erica Mena is cussing. Beat it, people)
o I missed the entire Erica & Cinnamon leaving the reunion stage & crying business cause people were at my desk talking. Dangit!!!! (what happened?!?!)
o Why did Erica change clothes? I’m confused.

• Nya Lee/Bald headed str’apper (that’s a stripper slash rapper, fyi)
o Look at Joe Budden face during this whole bald headed business. Hahaha!! He is so unamused.
o She looks pretty, though.
o Erica Mena is not here for her BS. ‘You ARE the bottom”. Hahaha. I love her.
o And………………fight fight fight fight!!! Yippeeeee!! Let them hoes fight, Monique!! Get yo hairy legged self out the way so them hoes can fight!!

• Joe & Tahiry
o Awww man, they need to get it together. I like these two.
o Unless Joe wants to come over to Team Mojito, then it’s eff Tahiry all day.
o Yoooooooooooooooooooo! He got real mean just now. “like somebody gives a fu**. Do I look like women is a problem, my nigguh?” yikes. (I will still take him, though. idc idc idc)
o Tahiry crying cause she wanna punch him in his mouth.
o His mama looking like “you acting real terrible right now, son”
o Awwwww, he mean. And he probably IS a sociopath like my coworkers think. BUT…………he so cute. Awww, give Joe another chance, tahiry. He loooooooooves you!!

• Peter’s Angels
o Tara sitting here lying on the tv . girl, boo.
o So, he was already engaged & a girl was PREGNANT when he got with Tara, so………….
o Exactly, hair legs, exactly!! Why Tara so mad at Aminah, when she knows what it is cause she been here herself!?!
o Peter!! “You don’t?” Call her out, son. Call her out!! She not gon sit here and lie on this couch. Not in front of Peter Gunz, no no no!
o Now she tryna act like she didn’t know he was lying. Girl………………….
o This performance!!!!!!! Oh noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Did he say “dirty feet dudes”?
o Look at Tara’s face!!! Hahaha!!
o What is this dress doing?
o Not album in the key of GUNZ. Ha!
o Tara so stupid – of course he would be mad. You are a possession, dummy. He wants to keep all his toys to himself.

• Part 2 Reunion:
o Saigon done lost his mind. He only 4’11 talking all this ish! She should pick him up & spank his little behind like the toddler he is.
o Rashida – why she talking to Joe Budden like that?!?! Why she mad at him for?!?!
o Aminah & this pregnancy test in her bra. Yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
o If Erica Mena sits on this stage & say she in love with Rich I’ma be so mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, so..............that's all until next week. whew, that made me so tired!!

XOXO

Mojito

Um.......hey, y'all.

So...............I been missing. For a minute. I know. Mama Mojito passed away & I couldn't get it together to come here & be amusing for y'all. I didn't have it in me. But I'm back. I ain't got shit to say today - mostly because I refuse to talk about that raggedy murdering bitch Casey Anthony - but soon I'll have some foolishness. I'm under "legal" obligation to post once a week - and by legal, I mean peer pressure from my friends - so I hope this counts, bitches!!!!!!!

I'm out!!

XOXO

Mojito

$5 footlong..........

Okay, so y'all know that a coupla weeks ago a gentleman sent me (unsolicited) pictures of his peen, right? Y'all also know it was of the Vienna Sausage variety. Just an infant sized peen. Dreadful.

But today I'm chilling/minding my business & all of a sudden the innanets is a buzz. Someone has leaked peen pics of Chris Brown. Chile..................that thang right there!!!! {here's the link http://missjia.com/wanted-chris-brown-naked.html}

Here's my question - is it wrong if I send the link of CB's peen to the dude who sent me his little bitty peen? I really want to. With a note that says "THIS is the kind of peen you send pics of!!!!"

That is all.

Mojito is very busy looking at Chris Brown pics, I mean, taking care of business.

On a side note - if I see Breezy in these here streets it is on & popping.

XOXO

Mojito

Fucking Thelma..........

So, the other night as I was looking for something to watch until I fell asleep, I saw Thelma & Louise was on. I loved loved loved that movie when it came out. Hell, I even named my breasts after it. {The left one is Thelma & the right one is Louise} But watching it 20 years later, I saw it differently. I spent most of the time thinking.......fucking Thelma. Ugh. I hate her.

We all have a Thelma in our lives. Or - maybe some of y'all don't. In which case, I am very jealous of you. But I have known plenty of Thelmas in my day. Or maybe you ARE Thelma. Don't know? Don't worry. I'm here to help.

You might be a Thelma if:

• You drink a lot. I mean a LOT. Like you can NEVER be the designated driver. Like your friends frequently have to carry you out of the club.

• You have terrible taste in men. And I’m not talking about the bad taste that we all sometimes have. I’m talking about your latest bf is a convict, drug lord, rapist or Charlie Sheen. Like a bad boy on a hunnid million trillion. No bueno. No bueno at all.

• You are easily “overwhelmed”. See – the part in the movie that made me say “oh fuck Thelma” is this. She got them in all this dayum trouble cause she’s a drunk ass. Then Louise is tryna figure the shit out and do you know what Thelma is doing? Wait for it…………wait for it………sleeping!! This bitch is the reason they’re on the run from the law & she has the nerve to be taking a nap?! Girl, if you don’t wake your ass up. And I mean RAT NOW!!

Basically, a Thelma is a person who always makes messes, whether intentionally or unintentionally, that other people (usually your friends) have to clean up. If you have a Thelma in your life, you need to cut that hoe off. Or at least refuse to play the Louise role in her life. If you ARE Thelma, you need to get right & stop this bullshit. Immediately. This is not going to end well for y’all.

I’m telling you right now……..Mojito ain’t going off a cliff for nunna you hoes. Believe that.

Any of y’all have a Thelma in your life? Are y’all Thelma? Have you played the Louise role in a friendship? What inspired you to change? Any other thoughts on this topic? Let Mojito know.

XOXO

Mojito

Who You Callin' A..............

Earlier today Mojito was called a bad word at work. The worst word Mojito has ever been called. Not the b word, c word, s word or mf words..........but a hater. Clutch the muthuafuckin pearls. I know. I KNOW!! Blasphemy, right? All because I said I'm not a fan of Jennifer Hudson, which I'm not. I think she has an amazing voice. One of the best voices out there right now. And I think she looks friggin GREAT in those new Weight Watchers commercials. But I still just am not a fan of her whole everything. She always has her mouth open, when she’s not singing. She’s always hollering & over singing. She just reminds me of neck rolling & wild arm/body movements. I dunno why. She’s just too much. Anywho. For that, I got called a hater.

So I do a little Internet search on the word & images of "haters". You would not believe how many images there are if you Google "haters". It is insanity. Don’t believe me? Here’s the link - http://www.google.com/images?um=1&hl=en&biw=1079&bih=524&tbs=isch%3A1&sa=1&q=haters&aq=f&aqi=g10&aql=&oq= (Side note - Why do so many of y'all think you have "haters"?)

Apparently “hating” is a serious & widespread problem. (This is sarcasm, people) I was curious as to what people thought about this, so I asked around. What exactly is a dayum hater?

Hater definitions from L’office de Mojito:
Five: someone that is SOOOOOO jealous of one's come up, he/she will say or do anything to bring to chop that person down. (i.e. anyone that doesn't see Beyoncé’s success, or feel she isn't that great a singer)

Anonymous Co-worker:
Someone who is unhappy with another person’s success.

In Mojito's opinion, a hater is someone who is jealous of another person's success, life, etc.... Or someone who is negative towards someone or something for no reason other than maybe to be opposed to what's popular or "in".

My final opinion is this. Y'all need to learn the difference between not liking someone on & "hating on" someone. Or better yet, between someone genuinely not liking your mixtape/fashion designs/clothing/cooking/personality & hating on you. Labeling criticism "hate" just negates it. And if you would listen to your critics, you might learn some shit & get better. Or not. Who knows? But bottom line is this - maybe people just don't like whatever it is you're doing/selling/being. That's not hate. That's just not "like".

And about JHud (& Chrisette Michele - who I was also accused of hating on) - them hoes ain't hate worthy. No shade. Beyoncé = hate worthy. Oprah’s rich ass = hate worthy. Michelle Obama = hate worthy. Them two other chicks? Not hardly.
Are any of y’all being hated on? Any of y’all self professed “haters”? Do y’all agree/disagree with our definitions of hating? Comments, people. Comments.

XOXO

Mojito

Um...........sir?

So, I'm not entirely sure how to even start this post. Also - if you are one of my brothers - I suggest you not read this entry. Just tryna save you from reading something you don't want to know about.

So..........this weekend a gentleman sent me a picture of his um......peen. Unsolicited. Not requested. Nothing. Now I have two issues with this:

1. What is this new phenomenon of guys sending peen pics? Like - what is the point of it? I really want to know. Like - do you think a chick is gonna be like "yaaaaaay, let's do it"? Especially unsolicited. I mean - if I said "hey, lemme see your peen" it would be different. But to just send it? Why?

2. The size. I wish I could get a second opinion, but I ain't gonna be showing this dude's bidness to other people. But I'm really tryna figure out if this is normal size. It's MUCH smaller than any peen I've ever seen. So now I need to know if I've just been lucky or if this dude has a problem. Also - wouldn't he be aware that his peen isn't of a reasonable size? Why would he send anybody that? That's like me sending a dude a pic of my stretchmarks - IF I had any. :)

So - here are my questions for y'all:

1. Has anyone ever sent y'all unsolicited peen pics?
2. How did you respond?
3. How do you tell a man his peen is not picture worthy? Or do you?

Anyway - just had to get that out.

Happy Monday & shit.

XOXO

Mojito

A Milli

So...........not sure if you have or haven't heard or just plain don't care, but Diddy & Titty (Rick Ross) dropped a million dollars on skrippas at the club. Well,people are NOT happy about this. I mean, downright pissed!! And I don't get it. Like, why?

I never understand why people feel like they get to tell somebody how to spend the money that they earned! Mojito comes to work every day & sometimes puts up w a little bit of BS. And if I want to spend all my money on cupcakes & stilettos, well I wish a muthafucka WOULD tell me I can't or shouldn't.

So here are the arguments & my take on this:

*** He should "spend it on sending 10 kids to college" and "not on naked booty".
Well a LOT of strippers are single moms. Who's to say that money is NOT going towards college tuition for their kids or for them, for that matter. Plus - it's his damn money. If he wants to take a milli & stick it up Cassie's vag, it's his money, right?

*** That's a lot of money.
Actually - it's not. Maybe it is to Titty (Rick Ross) & to Mojito, but it's not to Diddy. His 2010 net worth was $380 million. That milli he spent is not even 1/2 of 1% of his income. Break that down for the average American's salary - which is $46,326 - and that makes it the equivalent of the average American (read: YOU) spending $87.25. Now imagine someone telling you how to spend your $85. How mad would you be? How dead ass wrong would they be?

*** If Rick Ross is gonna stay rich, he needs to be investing in assets (things that make you money)
I actually agree with this. But let's say he is already doing that? Does this change your opinion? so - let's say we find out he's invested a ton of money already, does that mean he now has y'all's permission to slap it on a round ass in the club? What is the dollar amount he has to have in his bank account to make it okay with y'all? Does every cent he makes have to go towards getting richer or is he allowed to trick some of it off? Does every cent you guys make go towards your future or does some of it go towards foolery? (These are real questions - I really wanna know)

*** When you make millions, please don't spend one of them in a strip club (this is from a co-worker)
I don't understand this. The girls that work at strip clubs can't get their money? I mean - if they spent a milli on liquor or food, no one would be saying crap. But give it to a stripper & everybody has some shit to say. Estas loco.

I think I'm done. I could go on and on, but I won't. I would like to hear y'all's opinions, so you know what to do. (Comments people, comments)

Until next time.

XOXO

Mojito

The Ex List......The One Who Had Me Thinking About Smoking Weed

First of all, Happy New Year and shit. Now then, on to this post. You know I have to post when I feel it, otherwise it'll be 8 months before I feel like it, so here we go.

So I was talking to a friend this morning about how I met a boy who's a trainer & how I hope he don't think he's gonna get me to work out, cause I ain't gonna do it.

So of course she reminded me of Demetrius....a.k.a. "but he's sooooo dreeeaaammmyyy". Now, y'all don't really know Mojito so lemme give you some background - I have never in all my life done any drugs. Like - recreational drugs. Ever. I don't judge those who do, I just choose not to and have never felt the urge to do it. I'm like vehemently opposed to drugs. Even weed. Yes, people, weed is a drug. Don't give me that "it comes from the earth shit". Stop it.

So that said, I was dating this guy who was so gotdayum fine!!!! I say gahdayum!!! Just fine as shit for no good reason. He was a major major pothead. Like, it was ridiculous. So he would always try to get me to smoke w him, but I would always decline. Duh. But one night, I was thhhhiiiiiiiiiiissss close to lighting up....

We were fooling around a little bit. Which turned into a lot of bit. Which turned into um......we need to go upstairs. Lol. So we continue fooling around & all of a sudden he says "we should hit this weed to make the sex off the chain" (or something like that, shit, I don't remember the actual verbiage.) And lemme tell you, I almost hit that & he almost hit this.

But then I came to my senses. So nobody hit nothin. (which is really a damn shame cause gotdayum he was fine, did I mention that?!) But every now & then I remember how fine he was & wonder would a little bit of weed have killed me? LOL. But fine as his ass was, he woulda had me on heroin, robbing banks & pistol whipping nuns by now, so thank goodness I left that weed & that thaaaang alone.

So here's my question - have y'all ever met a person so fine that you lost all your sense & did something completely out of your character?

Fill up the comments section w your answers!!

XOXO

Mojito

Why, why, why?

So, I'm trolling the Internet for fun & foolishness on a Friday & I go to one of my usual spots - www.crunktastical.net. There's a post on a fight between pregnant chicks at the Burger King http://bit.ly/a9fCYR. Go there & check it out then come back..................................

..................you watch the whole thing? Okay, good. Now I have some thoughts & I'm sure you do too.

I spend a LOT of time indulging in foolishness. A LOT. What? It makes me happy. Stop being so dayum judgy! But THIS did NOT make me happy. It made me really sad, cause I mean, come on. Nobody wants to hear Mojito ramble on so I'ma be brief.

• you KNOW they're fighting over a dude. you know it.
• you KNOW the dude they're fighting over is raggedy as shit. (these girls are not fighting over Obama. They're prolly fighting over The Dream. lol)
• they're PREGNANT. that's the most obvious reason this mess is insane.
• there are soooo many other people around. laughing. recording. cheering. providing color commentary. but not one saying stop. or calling the police.
• there is a child walking home from school who walks through the shot. unfazed. like this is just some regular Tuesday afternoon shit.

All those things were crazy to me, but you know what I thought the most? That THIS is where the NAACP needs to be focused. Instead of boycotting Hallmark over a graduation card that used the words "black hole", for fear it could be confused with "black whores". Or instead of boycotting South Carolina over confederate flags. Or instead of having a funeral for the N word, which nobody even buried, FYI. Use those resources, bodies, energies to stop the insanity that is going on in Oakland, LA, etc..... with our Black people. The burial of the N word ain't gonna do shit for my everyday life. But those women in that parking lot are giving birth to the children that will be in MY streets, in MY community, in MY mother's classroom (she's a teacher) & those women, their children & thier gotdayum youtube video antics are, whether we like it or not, representing US. When the teabaggers make racist comments about fearing for their safety, or when people see us as uneducated..............THIS is why. They aren't thinking about what they saw on BET or a rap video. They're referring to the real life videos that, unfortunately, reflect the real life conditions, attitudes & actions of our people all over the country. The best way to control what people call you is to change what you should be called.

I like to be all about foolishness on here, but this crap done pissed me off.

Next week.............foolishness & fun. I promise.

XOXO

Mojito

P.S. - possibly a Dear Mojito.............I think I have some good ones in my inbox!!

Guess Who's Baaaaaaaaaaaack????

'Sup y'all? In one week it would have been exactly ONE YEAR since I wrote on this blog. I'ma go ahead & give myself the crown for laziest "blogger" ever. I can't even call myself a blogger. More like a chick who every now & then writes some shit.

Anyway - I'm back. Not sure for how long & can't even give a truthful estimate as to the frequency I'ma write stuff. :)

Stay tuned.............anybody who cares. That means all 2 of you!! Hahaha!!!

XOXO

Mojito

WTF Wednesday - early edition

Hola!!! Mojito has been away doing...................uh, wait I don't have to explain myself to you people!!! ;) I keed I keed!!! I'm here today and that's all that matters, no? And what a perfect day to come back - WTF Wednesday!!! I'm going to start it off and please add you own to the comments section!!



Mojito's WTFs:

- so you don't have a trash can in your office cause you don't like trash around you, so you instead opt to put YOUR stinky ass trash in MY trash can? WTF?



- so I'm defensive because I corrected you when you called 5 grown ass women "kids" repeatedly in a meeting? WTF?



- so I told you twice last week what my new situation was and you turn around and ask my coworker the same dayum question I already answered twice? (Do you think I'm lying?) WTF?



- is this girl really visibly pregnant in her cheerleading uniform, cheering at the dayum game? (courtesy of MTV, 16 & Pregnant) Girl sit yo pregnant ass down somewhere!! WTF?



- are you really talking about your sexcapades in detail on twitter? I object!! WTF?



- is this dayum sewing machine tripping on me again!!! WTF?



- Mojitito is getting so big and so pretty. Ugh. Boys have to be next on the agenda. That is the biggest WTF ever!!! Noooooooooo!!!



That's it for Mojito. So far.



Please add your WTFs in the comments section.



XOXO

Mojito

I'm Baaaaaccckkkkkk!!!

Buenos Dias Mojititas y Mojititos!!

I'm back from holiday (I love saying that) and have stuff to day!!

Gotta get to work but a new post is coming before the end of the day!!

Adios!!!

XOXO
Mojito

WTF Wednesday!!!!!!

Okay y'all - it's WTF Wednesday!!!!! You know the drill!!!

Here are this week's WTFs:

- did Ellen really just try to ambush Diddy about why he let CB & Rihanna in his house?
- and did this mofo really just tell her "well - it's my house and I'll let whoever I want in it." Hahaha!!!
- did we have a real life Craig from Friday situation up here at the plantation? Mofos getting fired on they day off? Why yes - yes, I think we did!
- how can I possibly be coming down with another cold?
- and why are these new meds giving me coke rage?

That's it for me!! Nothing too bad, I must say!! Okay - hit the comments with your own WTFs. Oh yea - that's my last and biggest WTF - I almost forgot!!

- are there really ZERO comments in my comments section, even though I've threatened the usual suspects? WTF!!!

XOXO

Mojito

You're Invited...............

So....................first things first, I know I've been away for a minute. Okay - an hour. Okay - like a month!! But I had to take a break!! The whole Chris brown/Rihanna thing was making my head hurt and I didn't feel like posting. what? Mojito keeps it real.



But I'm back!! And today's post will be dedicated to those who Mojito would like to give a very special invitation to. If you're on this exclusive list, you're invited to SHUT THE F*** UP:



VIP Room: (to shut the f** up immediately if not sooner. Like yesterday!! Reserved for the famous)

-- Usher - you got your nerve talking about CB. "show some remorse", huh? Have you shown any remosre for marrying that (wo)man and then sneaking "her" off to Brazil to get the remainder of her penis removed? I mean, really? Mind yo bidness. Methinks you have other things to worry about. What, you ask? Um............album sales, your "wife's" near fatal "procedure", etc............



-- Gloria Allred - man I really hate this lady. The great wise M-Dub told me that Ms. Allred is "like the Al Sharpton" of women's issues. And I agree. She is totally the person who has absolutely no interest in the situation or making it better - only in attaching her name & face to a famous/infamous situation and getting on my TV/radio irritating me.



-- Octomom & anyone related to/involved with Octomom. The main reason I need her to shut up is that she should be too busy raising them babies to talk to dayum much!! Mojito only has one little mojitito and I barely have time to think - how in the hell does this broad have time for all these interviews & videoblogs?



Main Room: ( for the regular folks who need to shut up)

-- the gardeners who are back to lurking outside my window in the morning "blowing" around nothing, with their stupid leaf blowers that sound like a chainsaw!!! Boooo!!!



-- the neighbor who called my house to tell me that my laundry was done drying in the laundry room. (It had only been in there for like 30 minutes). Shut up you laundry nazi!!!



That's all I have right now!! BUT - there is soooooo much room at this party, please let me know who you'd like to invite to shut the f*** up!! (Comments section is waiting!!!)



XOXO



Mojito



(As always - if you need advice - work, love, legal (kidding), family - please write Mojito at dearmojito@gmail.com!!)

WTF Wednesday!!!

Hey Y'all!!! It's that time again!! WTF Wednesday!!!



Now - I don't know about y'all and y'all's week- but I was ready to do WTF Wednesday like Monday!! No BS!!



So here are this week's WTFs:

- wait, if I flew out of state to visit you. uh............why you tryna holla at my girl?

- and why you tryna hook me up with your brother?

- how in the f*** is it 25 degrees here? Ain't this supposed to be the desert?

- wait, how am I the a**hole in this situation? I'm confused.

- are you seriously telling me it'll cost me $12 to withdraw cash outta this ATM machine? $12? Twelve? Dollars? Really?

- how the hell did I go to a city known for sin and didnt even get close to thinking about sinning? WTF?

- I'm sorry, I think I misheard you. In fact, I'm certain I misheard you. Did you really just ask me what my pu**y tastes like?

- do you really think that's an appropriate questions?

- um........why do you think I would know? Or did you want me to guess. I'm confused.

- what do you mean the plane already left? The flight is at 7:25. It's 7:18. And if it left - why am I looking at it out the window? Really?

Okay - those are my WTFs for the week!!

Please hit up the comments section with yours!! Remember - you can now post anonymously - so feel free to really put it out there!!

XOXO

Mojito

Mojito Mail...............If It Doesn't Fit?

Dear Mojito,

I don’t know how to ask this so I’m going to just get straight to it. How do I tell a man he doesn’t need to wear Magnum’s?

Signed,

If It Doesn’t Fit

Dear IIDF,

This is a tricky one. Cause you’re pretending to ask me one thing, but you’re really asking me something else. See – what you’re really asking me is how to tell a man his sausage is less polska kielbasa and more Vienna. But okay – I’ma’ just stick to the question as it was asked. I’ve come up with three scenarios to help with your problem:

Solution A
Don’t tell him nothing. Just have a little packet of minis next to the bad. If he says something, just say you wanted to get him something “in his size”. But you gotta say that last part with a whisper, like it’s a secret. A little secret.

Solution B
Tell him you want him to wear 2 “for extra protection”, maybe the extra condom will fill the space. Or maybe he wont go for it and he’ll just put on e normal size condom. I mean, how comfy can a baggy a** condom really be? I’m just asking!

Solution C – and this is my personal favorite!!
Start wearing really big drawers. And not big like granny panties, which are big by design. I’m talking if you’re a size 6 like Mojito (cough cough) then start wearing drawers that are no smaller than a size 24. he will definitely ask you why yo’ drawers is so dayum big, and that’s when you tell him that since he’s wearing them too big ass condoms, you thought you’d keep up the theme and start wearing big drawers. Just for consistency’s sake. Then – for extra oomph – pull out the sexxxiest pair of panties in your real size along with a box of condoms in his real size and offer to switch it up if he will. I guarantee it’ll work!!!

So, my final word is this. If it doesn’t fit…………………..this is bull**it!! And on top of that – yo ass is gonna catch something, the least of which is a baby!!! Wrap it up people!! And in the right size!! Sheesh!!!

If you guys have other advice or solutions or want to share your own stories of BBA (bizarre bedroom antics) please feel free to chime in in the comments section! And as always – please send all questions to dearmojito@gmail.com!!

XOXO

Mojito

Oh yeah - you can now post anonymously!! Just go to "anonymous" and comment away!!!

Stop Frontin'

So, I have this acquantance. For the purposes of this blog let's call her Michelle. SO Michelle is one of those chicks that wants to appear to be a "good girl" but still act like a...............I started to say bad girl, but that's the thing. It's not even like she's acting all that bad. Her actions are not inherently hoe-ish. I mean, we're grown. So it's perfectly normal and acceptable for a woman to have a healthy sexual appetite and sex life. So why does this chick feel the need to lie about her actions just to keep up some sort of image. And truth be told, nobody is even buying that innocent act in the first damn place so she might as well keep it all the way real.

And on that topic – am I the only one who doesn’t buy or care that Mariah Carey is always claiming to be able to count the number of men she’s been with on one hand? I think the entire topic is tacky to being with. BUT – if you’re gonna talk about your sex life – keep it all the way real, please! If not, then just shut the hell up!! Mojito ain’t saying shi* about my sex life cause it falls under the category of NYDB - nunna’ yo’ damn bidness. But what you will NOT catch Mojito doing is talking at length about the great miraculous conception that resulted in the birth of Mojitito (my little one). I mean, really!!

For real, for real – I find make believe conversations to be a waste of my precious life minutes. I can’t NEVER get them minutes back – they don’t roll over, they can’t be put on layaway, nothing!! Just gone!! And she done wasted a shi*load of my life minutes telling me fairytales about dude A “just kissed me out of nowhere” or how all she remembers is waking up naked or that when she finally “came to” she was “on top of him” but didn’t know how she got there and she “doesn’t know how” they ended up giving sex, etc……..

In my experience – and I could be mistaken – kissing is a two person activity. Particularly the French variety. Therefore, no one “just kissed” you without you kissing them back. And any time you wake up in a strange place, nekkid, “diddled” and all without your consent – you need to call the authorities. And by authorities I mean the po-po, your local sexual assault hotline or at the very least cousin Ray Ray and ‘nem. And I don’t think I need to tell y’all she ain’t called nary one of the above referenced. In fact, she’s gone on 2nd & 3rd dates with these perps. (yeah, that’s right – perps!! That’s what they call them on Law & Order, right?)

And see – that’s that bull**it! So ladies, please, please, please!! I beseech thee. I implore thee – STOP THE BULLSHI*!!!!!

It’s okay. Really. It is 2009. it’s okay that you went out with a guy, had a good time and decided to let him get to 1st, 2nd, 3rd base. Hell – it’s okay if you decided to let him hit a home run – it’s your own dayum bidness and it is not a crime! Matter of fact – you taking alllll the fun out of the story with yo’ dayum lies!! Cause I’d much rather hear the story of how he came through and knocked it out the park or even if he came through and provided you with a sweaty, awkward and not-so-fulfilling 3 1/2 minutes – cause that could be amusing as well!! But gotdayummit ladies, for corn’s sake, for the love of pete……………………………stop frontin’!!!! Immediately!!

Now then – your turn:
- Ladies – have you ever lied about your “dealings” with a dude? I’m not talking about covering yo a** during an interrogation. I’m talking about an unsolicited lie! If so – why? (I really am curious). If not, do you know one of these frontin’/lyin’ chicks?

- Gentleman – do you know any chicks that do this? Or wait – do guys get involved with this foolishness? Why?

Hit up the comments section with your replies!!

XOXO

Mojito

A BWK on Not Dating NWKs

As promised - I'm going to address illfareal's foolish comment from the other post. Although - he could stick to the topic at hand and refrain from hijacking my comments to talk about unrelated foolishness. (It's okay - he's family - they do what they want.)

Now then - illfareal wants to know why so many BWKs (bi***es with kids - his words not mine) won't date NWKs (negroes with kids). As one of these women, allow me to explain.

It's a simple answer, easily summed up in two short but powerful words: baby mommas.

NWKs come with baby mommas. (Well - most do, there are a few exceptions). And mojito is emphatically uninterested in dealing with baby mommas. I know you're thinking - but mojito, ain't you a baby momma? No sir. The coconut rum in my mojitito has been long gone so it's just me all me. No baby daddy = no baby daddy drama. I'm a momma, not a baby momma.

Anyway - that is the main reason for BWKs not dealing with NWKs, the BMs. Yes- BM, like bowel movement. You know why? Cause dealing with them can be downright shi**y. Now don't get me wrong - there are quite a few BMs who don't act up. And usually if a BM is acting up - it's because the BD has done something or has done nothing. And by nothing I mean - no child support, no visits, no involvement with the child, etc......... And so - rightfully so, BM is pissed and has no choice but to act up. I don't fault those BMs. I don't want to deal with them - but I don't fault them.

But there is another type of BM and this is the type that make me say no, no, no and no to NWKs. I'm talking about BM that still wants to be the girl/wife and can't let go of the past so she acts up:
- won't let the BD see the kids
- constantly engaging BD in needless convos (just to have a reason to talk to him)
- drops kids off at the wrong and most inopportune times
- calls BD at 3:00 a.m. while BD is happily snuggled up with mojito, talking 'bout "the baby is throwing up............". {sorry - flashbacks!! Side note - uh.........what kind of mommy are you that you don't know what to do when a baby throws up? what the hell is BD gonna do? Last I checked he wasn't a pediatrician}

Sorry - back on track now. So there you have it illfareal - an explanation for BWKs who don't date NWKs. Feel free to comment - I'd love any insight you or anyone else can offer. And ladies - please comment with your experience dating NWKs. (Maybe your experiences will change my mind!)

In the meantime - I have something to say to the NWKs.

If your baby momma is -
- married to another man (or woman) and blissfully happy
- dead
- in jail
- in Siberia or some other far away place with no intention of returning

if you meet any of those conditions and you're cute, single and your kids are well-behaved........holla at mojito!!! :)

As always - I can be reached at dearmojito@gmail.com

XOXO

Mojito

Reserved for.........

Hello there! I was on holiday (I love to say that) but now I'm back. On to today's post!! So I take a little trip to the mall today during lunch with one of my co-workers/friends. There is literally NO parking - except this one spot marked "Reserved For Expectant Mothers". So I say to this friend - let's call her Marilyn - f**k it, let's just park there! I mean - what, are they gonna give me a pregnancy test in the parking lot? Like - how are they gonna prove that I'm not pregnant? Plus - I have holiday treats in my belly that could easily pass for a 16 week fetus. I'm just saying. But of course being the goody two shoes that she is, she says no.

But that got me to thinking - why do these hoes get all the perks? I mean - I have my very own mojitito so once upon a time I was an expectant mother, but why should that justify an up close and personal parking spot to Macy's?

Let's just think about this. An expectant mother has already gotten quite a few perks missing from my life. Greedy broads.

They've had or are getting:
- sex
- a date (hopefully before the sex)
- a cute little baby
- an excuse to eat massive amounts of food with no one saying things like "mojito, you're not going to eat all that, are you? the calories, blah blah blah"

So if you really think about it, they have enough. They don't need a parking spot. Hell - they need to do what my mom told me and walk that baby ou-ou-out (Andre 3000).

What I want to know is where the parking spot is for the 30-ish year old, single woman who can't find a date in this city of metrosexuals and BANs (bi*** a** negroes), who works hard all day and then some, who just wants to come to the mall on her lunch break and spend up a little money in this recession. Where's HER parking spot?

Where's the parking spot for the girl who puts on stilettos every day to bring a little bit of sexy to the world around her, bringing joy to men and boys of all ages, but not so much to her baby toe? Where's MY parking spot?

(I'm not even going to start in about how the Burbank mall has reserved parking for families!! Wait - so now we're giving special treatment to the people who bring those crying and badly behaved kids to the mall - the ones that ruin my shopping experience - we're giving them PARKING?)

Think YOU deserve a special reserved parking spot? Hit the comments section and let us know why.

Also - I'm in desperate need of advice questions so please email me at dearmojito@gmail.com.

XOXO

Mojito

WTF Wednesday!!!

Y'all – it’s WTF Wednesday! (Yep – I decided to make it weekly. What? You guys don’t have WTFs every week? Well Mojito definitely does.

Here are mine for the week:

• Really? You gonna start off my morning with a 6:32 am email that essentially says “850 layoffs company wide……………..more news later today”
• Did we say today? Make that more news on Monday. Have a nice weekend? (um………………..how am I supposed to have a nice weekend now?)
• Wait……………….is this person still here? How did that happen?
• Did FSMN just make a beeline to get over here and shake my hand? (For the uninformed, that would be the good Reverend Fo Shizzle My Nizzle) Stop it.
• Did I just eat okra? Ewwww………………………
• That Christmas tree is how much? You know we in a recession, right?

So those are the WTFs – but here’s the good news of the week – a founding member of the BSM is back in town so we ‘bout to get right!!! You’ve been warned!!!!

So you know the drill - hit the comments section with your very own WTFs!!

And please send any advice questions - love, work, family, money, extortion plots (I keed I keed) - to dearmojito@gmail.com.

XOXO

Mojito